An enemy inside of me

This month is Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Month. Thanks to Matthew Graybosch for hosting the IndieWeb Carnival this month and for choosing this topic to discuss.

At times, I have experienced stress and depression, particularly when I feel overwhelmed by work assignments and struggle to meet deadlines. It also happens when I encounter tasks that I find difficult to complete.

At the moment when this type of situation occurs, a shiver runs up and down my spine, and my shoulders tense. My mind starts to imagine the worst possible scenarios.

For example, I worry that I might get fired and it could take a long time to find a new job, especially because of the current employment situation. This fear might stem from my lack of experience in dealing with such a situation, and it could be a fear of failure, the unknown, or losing my stability.

When I started feeling depressed and frustrated, I felt like I had failed my family and didn’t deserve the opportunities that came my way. This is the impostor syndrome, and it was sabotaging my life, making me believe that everyone would be better off without me. For days, I stayed in bed, unwilling to get up, and I slept at all hours.

Over time, I’ve made an effort to comprehend this feeling of depression. At times, I can understand it, while at other times, I struggle. However, I have accepted it and taken steps to minimize its impact. I’ve realized that this depression, at least for me, is absurd. There are more things to do than stay in bed.

Something that has helped me a lot is speaking about this topic with my family, my best friends, and professional psychologists. Identifying the moments that trigger these negative thoughts and feelings has been beneficial. Writing about everything that has happened to me has been a great way to stay focused.

Up to this day, I’ve learned:

• Failure is very common; I won’t be the first person to experience it.
• We learn more from errors than from success.
• If a company fires me, it isn’t the end of the world, much less for my life. It’s just the end of one cycle.
• Prioritize my mental and physical health above my job.

Finally, this post may be a little depressing to read, but I believe it’s important to share. I’m not sure if this will help anyone, but if you read this and you can relate to it, know that you’re not alone in this battle.